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February 21, 2008
Posted: 07:46 AM ET
Boy this is hard one. I’m a Democrat. Big D. I like most things Democrats like. I like less guns in the hands of lunatics (and if you’re not a policeman or a soldier and you want a gun, then I consider you a lunatic). I’d like people dumb enough to want to ruin their sex lives to be able to get married, even if they are gay. And I’d like public schools to actually educate the kids, even if the kids are not mine. And yes, I’d like idiots who have unprotected sex in this day and age to get pregnant and have the right to not have idiot kids. I like government to handle big things like law enforcement, health care for people who can’t afford it, building roads and bridges, making sure there is a safety net for the old and poor. And yes, shock of all shocks, I’m willing to pay taxes so that stuff is paid for. But to be a true Democrat, I have to make sure my dreams are never fulfilled by picking a candidate for president who will lose to a nightmarish Republican. This year it’s a nail-biter. A few years ago it was Al Gore, then John Kerry. Both of them lost what seemed to be unloseable campaigns. Clinton couldn’t have been more popular. The country couldn’t have been more prosperous. The only way he could lose was to distance himself completely from the popular president, and then bury the passion that’s inside the man and bore us to death with details no one wants to hear. But guess what? By golly, the man was able to fight the odds and lose to what seemed like a sweet dumb lost guy who didn’t have to work too hard because his daddy was a big shot. And his daddy’s daddy… well you know. Then there was Kerry. He was experienced. He was deliberate. He was a war hero. So the Republicans made it clear he was shifty, he was a flip-flopper, and he wasn’t a war hero. We all got swift boated. Kerry didn’t help himself by doing his hardest to NOT seem like one of the people. Somehow America got it in its head that only a simple man of the people can steer the ship of state. Maybe it’s Frank Capra’s fault, but I don’t think it’s always the best policy to get the least knowledgeable guy in the room to decide on stuff. So it’s a close one but Kerry loses. So whether it’s Dukakis or Mondale or McGovern or Humphrey our tradition is clear. Let’s find a loser But this year is the hardest we’ve ever had it. Who will lose worse? The woman or the black guy? Tough call. They’ll say Hillary is a robot, an unfeeling woman who cares more about polls then helping her country. Or they’ll say she’s just the weak-willed, all-too-forgiving puppet of Bill Clinton and he’s not the Clinton you liked. He’s changed. Gone screwy in the head. But then there is Obama. They won’t openly play the race card. Instead they’ll say he’s “Hawaiian.” You really want a Hawaiian running things? They barely have enough energy to put the pineapple garnish in your mudslide. That will send the right signals to anyone who forgot they are racist. Then they’ll say Obama has no message. Then when you tell them the message is better education, better health and a stronger middle class work force, they’ll say that’s not a message. Sure the Republicans have the least-popular sitting president in living memory sitting in the Oval Office. They have a tanking economy and a war with no end in sight and a giant deficit that will swallow this country whole. But that won’t be enough to get people to vote against the party that brought you all that chaos. They’ll say John McCain is a war hero and we are unlikely to slander him the way the Republicans slandered Kerry. We don’t work that way. We like to let the Karl Roves of the world tell lies about the Democrats and then spend the whole election playing catch up. They’ll say he’s a maverick who thinks for himself even though he voted down the line with Bush for just about eight years. He went with bended knee to the religious right and is now begging for hardcore conservatives to not hate him. So much for free thinking. He voted for the war and he says he’ll stay there 100 years and even so we’ll lose to this angry right-wing guy from Arizona who is probably too old to be driving, let alone running the country. I guess if I had to pick, and I do, I’d prefer that the Republicans attack Hillary rather than Obama. They at least can attack her record and her husband, and it’s easier to make fun of a woman than a black man these days. Yep, if we want to ensure the loss it’s Clinton with a terrible vice presidential candidate: maybe Ted Kennedy or Carrot Top. So we’ll lose again. We’ll shatter the dreams of the young energized electorate and then will join me in a long parade of defeated Democrats. Big business will have its way with our country and we’ll have yet another eight years to grumble that it would have been different if we had won. Posted by: Jay Kogen |
 
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